Well, my mothers birthday is past, my stepfathers birthday is past, and the 10 year anniversary of Julias death is past... so now all I have to do is wait till the New year to begin the cycle all over agian. Birthdays, holidays, special events, ect... all these come and go as a marker for time. Why does everyone wish for a new year? A new beginning. Why can't we all simply look to the past and learn from those mistakes we've made?

I know one thing is held evidently true no matter what. I will make a mistake, and I will have to answer for it. Why is everyone always trying so hard to sweep stuff under the rug of tomorrow? I want to declare everything out in the open NOW! I want to make sure that I have the ability, no, the understanding that what I do it either wrong or right...

I am willing to accept that I can't live in the future. I won't make plans for a month ahead, or a week, or even a whole day, because something will invariably occure that will change my plans, and then I will have to make an apology to someone, and I hate apologies. Not that I have a problem with admitting a fault, only I think that if someone catches me in one, thats enough, why lower my self-esteem even more by essentially making me grovel?

It's been about 3 years since I took up the vow to never lie, and with a few exceptions, I have held true to myself. So why is it that on the eve of a new year I feel as if I should call out the world and set things from my past right? I have no reason to want to dig up the past, most people I would need to speak to probably wouldn't with to speak with me, and most won't. It's not that I have these great histories where I have wronged a great many people or even one person to a great degree... except my sons mother, who by some fault of her own has seen it fit to make me the Antagonist in her life.

I don't hold sway over anyones well being, no one will die if I simply close myself off and don't follow through with my plans... So why? I simply can't say, but I do know this. My past is directly tied into my future. I am making new friends out of the ashes of my old friends (figurativly speaking of course) and I am looking, no, longing for a new start. I guess only the two factors that matter, Time, and God will know what lies before me.