According to things I’ve read, if you’re black and male, your father will give you "The Talk" when you’re about 12 years old. No, not the sex "talk." I mean he’ll give you fatherly advice on how to act when hassled by a police officer, knowing your skin color and sex will cause cops to single you out for harrassment. I’m not black, I have no children, and I’m not even old enough to be a father figure for any but the youngest members here, but this "talk" is important.

Anyway, I was picking up my girlfriend, and sitting in my parked car. Some busybody of a neighbor thought I was buying drugs and called the cops. The cop went out of his way, above and beyond the call of duty, to be a liar and an asshole, but I came out ahead.

In any case, remember the cop’s motivation is solely to find an excuse to arrest you. First, he’ll want to find contraband, especially drugs or weapons, on you or in your car. Let him pat you down for weapons and such; it’s allowed. Do not speak to him, or even look at him, unless specifically asked to do so; he could say you were being "combattive" or "defiant" otherwise. When he asks if you have anything in the car or your pockets he "should know about," pause for about five seconds, then tell him "no" in a monotone, soft, annoyed voice. If he asks permission to search your car, deny it, especially if there are no drugs in the car.

When that fails, he’ll want to arrest you for being under the influence of alcohol or drugs. Remember two things: First, field sobriety tests are bogus. They are used by the police to determine if a "real" sobriety test is needed, such as drawing a sample of your blood or urine. Second, field sobriety tests are handy tools to encourage you to incriminate yourself, that is, to make you admit to consuming alcohol or drugs. The police are allowed to use deception to make a suspect confess to a crime. Ergo, it is impossible to "pass" a field sobriety test. My test consisted of shining a flashlight into my eyes several times, then comparing the size of my pupils to the dots on a card. The test indicated I was high on a stimulant. I knew this to be false because I hadn’t consumed alcohol in a week, and hadn’t used illicit drugs in more than ten years, which was marijuana. I didn’t even consume any caffeine. Logically, the test is bogus because there is no size your pupils can be that doesn’t match a size on that card. The cop was probably expecting me to confess to using drugs, or to beg like a puppy for forgiveness, proclaiming my innocence. I did neither, and so should you.

Oh, and if he says you’re "in a known drug area," he’s right, in a way. There’s no place you can travel that is not a "known drug area." One of the differences between poor and affluent areas is the quality of drugs the people can afford. Ignore the "known drug area" statement.

So, you’ve got no contraband, and haven’t been using drugs? Good, but there’s one tactic left the police can use to arrest you: The cop can be completely obnoxious. This is to provoke a fight; assaulting a police officer is their favorite offense to use to arrest you. The cop will become annoyed by your aloof attitude, demonstrated by your pausing before answering his questions, and will interrupt you with insults about your intelligence, perhaps asking "Do you speak English?" He’ll invade what is commonly called your "personal space," putting his face into yours. Remember, keep your hands below your waist at all times. He has already checked you for weapons, but your instinct is to put your arms up to block his approach. Don’t do it; this is the only thing he needs to say you were assaulting him, and charge you with assault, resisteng arrest, and perhaps beat you down just for fun. The cop went so far as to call my girlfriend a "crack whore," knowing most men would react with violence. Before the cop and I even met, I knew he’d lie and be obnoxious, so I ignored it.

About this time, my girlfriend, the "crack whore," emerged from the house. She can’t control her emotions and keep her mouth shut, so the cop was nastier to her than to me. He told her I was high on some unknown stimulant; more deception to try to get a confession. She said if he was convinced of this, he should conduct a urine test, which the cop had no intention of doing.

With nothing left, the cop returned my drivers license and explained I could complain to the police chief if I wanted, but the neighbors are tired of the drug activity, and he’d find a reason to arrest me if I ever returned to the area, which I took to mean he’d plant drugs in my car or provoke a fight. I travel where I please without asking his permission.

And for the neighbors: Congratulations. Thanks to you, the morons you keep reelecting to local government, and the crooked police department (for reasons I haven’t even mentioned here), the entire town is such a rat’s nest that I can’t sell my home. So, as soon as I am able, you will be losing a homeowner (me), and gaining an absentee landlord (me living someplace else). More drug-addled low income renters will be moving in. I hope you’re happy.

In summary:

--Don’t carry drugs on you. If you must use drugs, leave them at home.

--Speak to a cop only when he speaks to you. In fact, don’t even approach a cop unless you have a specific problem that requires his assistance.

--Cops lie. Admit nothing.

--Cops are obnoxious. Don’t say or do anything to give him an excuse to assault you. Even eye contact can be taken as threatening, so when answering his questions, look straight ahead and pretend he isn’t there until he makes you look at him. Conduct yourself with more dignity than the other person.

--Field sobriety tests are tools of deception. You cannot pass them, which is why a "real" sobriety test is necessary in court.

--Get the cop’s badge number without asking him, in case he pulls any shenanigans.

--Remember being told as a young child that all cops are your friends? Remember the "all cops are heroes"

--Have a real (sic) nice day.

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